Sunday, October 19, 2008

Its hot here!

I'm sitting here with my lap top in bed reading every ones thoughtful comments and concerns AGAIN. Thank you. We have felt of your prayers. I'm certain they helped me get through this horrible mess. I'm really doing good and so are my kids. We have successfully moved in to my wonderful parents home, enrolled in their new school (Zaharis Elementary which I LOVE!!!!), Easton is going to Mrs. Carrie's Preschool(so fun), and Brinley is fat and happy. Life is moving along and I'm so grateful for my parents. To be honest I don't want to move into my own house right now. I love having the company and support and my kids need to see what a marriage should be like. We have a great schedule where I cook and my mom cleans up! Hello cleaning up is the worst part about cooking for me so now I get to cook and relax! My girls take turns setting the table and clearing the table which has been a great routine that they take pride in. I sing to them every night hoping to create a soothing bedtime routine for them. Real moms know that doesn't always work:) My brother and his sweet wife, Charayye, are living here temporarily too. This situation might drive some people crazy but its not bad at all and works for us.
I have good days and bad days but the bad days are growing farther apart. It hurts looking back through by blog and seeing all the family pictures knowing the truth behind them. I was desperately trying portray something that was completely different than what was really going on the last few months. Honestly in the beginning I was hoping Shaylar's new thoughts on life would blow over like other issues in the past and I could just keep it quiet. How many woman out there are suffering inside but faking it through comments and pictures and lying through their teeth? You know part of the reason I quit blogging is because I was so sick of reading about everyones wonderful perfect children, husbands, and lives. I'm not a cynical person and i don't envy. I faked it so how many other people are too. I think we all need to be more real regarding what we blog. Somedays I'm a horrible screaming mommy and I hate that I have to stay home with my kids. Somedays I stay in my pjs and don't get in the shower till 3 pm. Sometimes I don't want to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I just want to be me and leave. However, sometimes I wake up so thankful I'm choking with emotion. I talk and read to my kids. Make yummy dinners and look fantastic. Clean my house and play the piano. I'm not crazy or bipolar and I've come to realize that I'm real. I do the best I can and trust in my Savior.
I really am happy. I've had a few people tell me that 'I'm back'. I didn't realize I was gone till my marriage ended and I could step away and look at it from a different perspective. This is a blessing in disguise for me. I needed to get my four beautiful children here and now I can get a life. A happy life. Tonight I was looking at a lovely family picture taken on a family hike one year ago. It had me, Shaylar, Taylor, Paige, and Easton sitting on a log looking so happy. I was about 11weeks pregnant with Brinley. Crazy how things change so drastically. I can't have what never was. Thats why pictures can be desceiving at times.
Everyone has been given free agency but it didn't come free. It came at a price and depending how we use it it will cost us dearly. How are we using our 'free' agency? Keep what matters most very close to you. I've come to realize my husbands decisions do not reflect me or my choices. Its not my fault and I am a good person. My life can only go uphill from here. Gosh only a few things could be worse but I'm not going there. Life is going to be good i can feel it. I'm going to blog again but I'm not going to post everything since my life became a Jerry Springer episode. Hopefully my life will be a Cinderella story!!
This is hard. It will continue to be hard. I was in the Temple awhile back and I had a wonderful feeling come over me. My life can only get better if I put my trust in the Lord. Sounds simple I know but at different points in each of our lives simple truths become astounding revelations. Go forward with faith and trust in his divine guidance and i can't go wrong. I took that leap of faith and left all the comforts of amazing friends (I miss you guys so much! girls night out rocks!) supportive ward and bishopric, great job, the best weather in the world, my big beautiful house, and biking to come here and heal. Its worked and I'm happier for it.
Time will march on, hearts will heal, and memories will fade. So I'm living in the now, learning to love myself, and am going to create fantastic memories for my kids and am determined to give them a healthy happy childhood full of play time and love.