I'm sitting here with my lap top in bed reading every ones thoughtful comments and concerns AGAIN. Thank you. We have felt of your prayers. I'm certain they helped me get through this horrible mess. I'm really doing good and so are my kids. We have successfully moved in to my wonderful parents home, enrolled in their new school (Zaharis Elementary which I LOVE!!!!), Easton is going to Mrs. Carrie's Preschool(so fun), and Brinley is fat and happy. Life is moving along and I'm so grateful for my parents. To be honest I don't want to move into my own house right now. I love having the company and support and my kids need to see what a marriage should be like. We have a great schedule where I cook and my mom cleans up! Hello cleaning up is the worst part about cooking for me so now I get to cook and relax! My girls take turns setting the table and clearing the table which has been a great routine that they take pride in. I sing to them every night hoping to create a soothing bedtime routine for them. Real moms know that doesn't always work:) My brother and his sweet wife, Charayye, are living here temporarily too. This situation might drive some people crazy but its not bad at all and works for us.
I have good days and bad days but the bad days are growing farther apart. It hurts looking back through by blog and seeing all the family pictures knowing the truth behind them. I was desperately trying portray something that was completely different than what was really going on the last few months. Honestly in the beginning I was hoping Shaylar's new thoughts on life would blow over like other issues in the past and I could just keep it quiet. How many woman out there are suffering inside but faking it through comments and pictures and lying through their teeth? You know part of the reason I quit blogging is because I was so sick of reading about everyones wonderful perfect children, husbands, and lives. I'm not a cynical person and i don't envy. I faked it so how many other people are too. I think we all need to be more real regarding what we blog. Somedays I'm a horrible screaming mommy and I hate that I have to stay home with my kids. Somedays I stay in my pjs and don't get in the shower till 3 pm. Sometimes I don't want to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I just want to be me and leave. However, sometimes I wake up so thankful I'm choking with emotion. I talk and read to my kids. Make yummy dinners and look fantastic. Clean my house and play the piano. I'm not crazy or bipolar and I've come to realize that I'm real. I do the best I can and trust in my Savior.
I really am happy. I've had a few people tell me that 'I'm back'. I didn't realize I was gone till my marriage ended and I could step away and look at it from a different perspective. This is a blessing in disguise for me. I needed to get my four beautiful children here and now I can get a life. A happy life. Tonight I was looking at a lovely family picture taken on a family hike one year ago. It had me, Shaylar, Taylor, Paige, and Easton sitting on a log looking so happy. I was about 11weeks pregnant with Brinley. Crazy how things change so drastically. I can't have what never was. Thats why pictures can be desceiving at times.
Everyone has been given free agency but it didn't come free. It came at a price and depending how we use it it will cost us dearly. How are we using our 'free' agency? Keep what matters most very close to you. I've come to realize my husbands decisions do not reflect me or my choices. Its not my fault and I am a good person. My life can only go uphill from here. Gosh only a few things could be worse but I'm not going there. Life is going to be good i can feel it. I'm going to blog again but I'm not going to post everything since my life became a Jerry Springer episode. Hopefully my life will be a Cinderella story!!
This is hard. It will continue to be hard. I was in the Temple awhile back and I had a wonderful feeling come over me. My life can only get better if I put my trust in the Lord. Sounds simple I know but at different points in each of our lives simple truths become astounding revelations. Go forward with faith and trust in his divine guidance and i can't go wrong. I took that leap of faith and left all the comforts of amazing friends (I miss you guys so much! girls night out rocks!) supportive ward and bishopric, great job, the best weather in the world, my big beautiful house, and biking to come here and heal. Its worked and I'm happier for it.
Time will march on, hearts will heal, and memories will fade. So I'm living in the now, learning to love myself, and am going to create fantastic memories for my kids and am determined to give them a healthy happy childhood full of play time and love.
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32 comments:
Thank you for your comments. Some of them gave me the chills. You sound like you are doing so good. You are an inspiration to me. Tell your kids I said HI!
All of this is so true. In fact when I read your last post I was in disbelief and started to go through your past posts and thought, they seemed like this perfect little family, how did this happen? But I think we all put on a happy face sometimes, and we could all use some REALness. You're on the right track and you're such a great person, which makes you the best Mom. I'm glad that you have such a wonderful support system, and I'm glad that you know that you are a good person.
Malia
It is so good to hear from you, Rachel. You are a great Mom and you are doing what is best for your sweet family. Your Mom and Dad sound like amazing people, too! I have been reading your sister's blog (having experienced IVF and a twin pregnancy ;-) ) and your parents are so supportive and are a great source of strength. I am touched by your sweet testimony. You will remain in our prayers. We send our love.
Great to have you back. We love you and Shaylar. Our prayers are for each of you to find TRUE happiness.
You are right about agency. It's not free...it comes with a cost. And some take more expensive routes to get to happiness, but we still pray Shaylar finds it one day.
You are awesome and we love you for who you are and your steadfastness! You are weathering this storm beautifully. I know it's hard, but your strength is sufficient to pull you through this with the Savior's help.
**I hope I don't get "hated" for saying that we still love Shaylar and are praying for him....but he's the one that is on the more detrimental path. He's a good guy and has potential, Heavenly Father needs him on His side.**
Lots of love, girl- Nat
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for such an amazing post.
I think we all feel the pressure to put on the happy face and act like life is perfect.
I really appreciate your courage to be honest. As women, we really need that from each other. It is so hard to be miserable and wonder why you are the only one who feels that way. In reality, we all have those days when we want to run away screaming. If we would just talk about those days more we could really support each other.
Thank you for being a great example and I know you will be happy.
Hey, chica. I am so happy to see that you have posted. We love ya and are so glad to hear that you are settled and doing well with your parents! And you're right--things can only get better. Can't wait to see what's in store for ya! Much happiness and love.
Nat and Jer
There's a quote that says "Blessed are the hearts that can mend, they shall never be broken."
But I wonder- if there's no breakng; then there's no healing. If there's no healing; then there's no learning. And if there's no learning; then there's no struggle. You have struggled so hard and for so long! I can feel that you've totally embraced the gospel. What you said about free agancy kicked me in the butt- I never thought of it that way. It does come with a price and depending on how we use it, it can cost us dearly...that's alot to take in. For me at least. Ah Rach I 'm so glad we have the gospel and our parents! Everybody should believe they have the best parents in the world But I swear ours really are! Sometimes I don't know how to let down and express myself as well as you do, and I wish I would allow myself, but to add my own little bit of testimony to yours I'd like to say how much our heavenly father does love us and wants us to choose the right. I can full on say I wouldn't be 'here' right now (I know you know how I mean) if I didn't let the gospel or dad's priesthood guidance into my life just over one year ago. I love you and feel if you can get through this then I can do almost anything!
WOW! I love you and I AM HERE ALWAYS. I think about you often and your children. Rach - I may not understand what your feeling but the Lord does. I take comfort in knowing your in His hands and he will heal you. I always want to say so much when I read posts. But, I won’t. Please know how special you are. You may not believe me... I have always looked up to you.
P.S. you have great music added. "Better in time" came on and I couldn't do anything but stare at the computer and listen.
Hi Rachel,
Its Marb just a note to send my love you are a great and amazing mom and daughter of God. He loves you. I miss you and the kids. It seems like you have been gone so long. Know how much I love you. You have been like a daughter to me I cherish the time we had in Las Vegas together. Please stay in touch and let my little one's know of my love for them. They are like my own little grandkids. Stay close to the Lord and he will guide you in all you do.
Love you
Marb
You are an inspiration to me! Your attitude and faith in the Savior is AMAZING!!! Thanks for always (even in the worst of times) being an example to me. I have always loved how REAL you are with everyone. I love that about you, and can only hope that I am as REAL of a person as you are. Its so good to see you blogging again, and get an update on your life.
Love love love you tons! I want to get together real soon and do lunch or get the kids together or something. I'll call you when I get back in town.
Wow, Rachel, I so happy to hear that things are starting to get better for you. Your parents are amazing, how wonderful it is for you to be there. I pray for you and the kids all the time, I can imagine how hard it has to be sometimes. I know how rough it is with my two. As I was reading your words, I could totally relate at times, especially staying home- it isn't always as fun as it sounds. Well, I know that things will work out for you and the kids. For sure, we will have to get together and BBQ, I will talk to Ernest and we will let you know soon. Take care
Alysha
Hey Rachel,
I am so glad to hear you and your family are doing so much better. My family has had it's own drama lately and I too had been putting on the face of a happy wife, mother, etc. But, I have realized if we don't share our trials and triumphs then what we experience is not going to help anyone else. I have recently had someone say (in reference to me and my husband) "I thought they were a happy mormon family/couple" that is the only side we were showing, we had and have struggles and if we are too busy putting on a pretty smile the real problems are never attended to. I just hope that as sisters in this gospel we can truly learn how to reach out to each other, share our experiences and be REAL! AND, don't forget about us up here on the mountain...... I am sure you are ready for a girls night out again! Please let me know if you ever need anything
Lori
Hi Rachel~~ I hope you remember me! Truly's friend. I have really enjoyed seeing pictures of your kiddies. I remember when you only had 2 and I had none! I just wanted to thank you for what you said about being a mother on your last post. It makes me feel normal. Its hard dedicating your life to your children- no matter how much you would die for them. I know that everything will work out beautifully for you and your family. What a wonderful support system you have at your parents! I'm often sending love and prayers.~~
Esther
You are amazing! Never forget that! I love hearing that you are doing well. It makes my heart feel a lot better. We love you and your kids and can't wait to see you guys in a few weeks!
You have an amazing testimony! I really needed to hear some of the things you wrote. It is nice to know that someone else showers at 3 in the afternoon. I am glad to hear that you are doing okay. We will continue to keep you and the kids in our prayers.
Rachel,
You go girl! I too, love an honest post and that one was great! I know this will be a Cinderella story for you. You're kids are so lucky to have you for a mom. I bet it is really living with your parents. When we lived with my parents my mom and I had the same cooking/cleaning schedule as you. I loved it. I am also showering at 3pm on certain days too.
Lots of love and prayers to you and your family.
Joan
Rachel,
I loved your post. You truly amaze me at your strength. And I love the testimony you have. I must say that you are right about all points. Including your kids being at the best school. So glad you love it. It is one of the best in AZ. Were so lucky and I love working there. If you ever need anything (someone to pick up your kids from school, an old friend from high school to go to dinner with) please let me know. (andreaheiner@cox.net)I love that baby of yours. Thanx for letting me pinch those cheeks. Love you!
Andi
I am so glad you posted, you are so RIGHT Rachel, thanks for all your words of wisdom and for your testimony. You are so honest and good at writing what's in your heart. I'm glad you are with your great family, they are lucky to have your cooking and you are lucky to have the cleaning help. You are so amazing, your kids have a great example in you. Thank you for all your words. LOVE, Ale
ps:I'm glad you get to shower even if it's later in the day, to tell you the truth I sometimes don't get to do that! oh well...
Rachel,
On behalf of my family (here in Utah and in Mexico) I want you to know that you truly are one of the coolest, nicest, most amazing people we have ever met! How many people can make an ever lasting impression of joy, sincerity and friendliness!!! Even my friend Carlos, who was here visiting last week (who has only met you once) told me to wish you well during this hard times.
As you might know I have had my own problems too, and could not agree with you more when you talk about the "perfect blog family"
Finally I have to say that your family is also very special and I can relate to you, since I consider mine the most sacred thing and feel blessed to have great parents that are always there when I need them. Props to your parents. I can see how being surrounded by them your spirit is full of energy and postive attitude towards life!!!
I wish you and my awsome nephews the best life has to offer!
Hi Rachel,
I don't know if you remember me? We never had the chance to really get to know each other. I am the Primary Secretary in the Wagon Wheel Ward. Anyway, I am so very happy to hear that you and your children are healing and doing well. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your latest post. How very very true it is!! It is very easy to put on a 'front' and 'go through the motions' all the while life, marriage, home, family are not doing well at all!! I believe that honesty is the best policy, and if we truly are here to help each other, then we must be honest. No, we don't have to air all our dirty laundry, but I do believe that we can be honest and reach out for help, and offer help!! Thank you so much for your honesty.. I love what you said. I am not the perfect mom, wife, sister, daughter, etc. either, however I do the best I can. I have a blog http://kishskorner-lynnette.blogspot.com/ you are welcome to come by for a visit anytime. Thank you for you sweet testimony. You hang in there.. Life is good, and you will be blessed for staying strong & true. Love, Lynnette
Clicked over from Steph's blog to see how you were doing. Glad to see that you're heading uphill and you're holding on to your testimony. Sometimes it's all we have.
I remember looking around a few years ago and thinking how everyone had the "perfect" family/was the "perfect" mom or wife (and that was BEFORE perfection blogging!) but then I really go to know people and realized - NO ONE has that perfection. We're all just doing the best we can. I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and good friends who support me in my hard times.
Know you are loved and thought of often.
Love, Laura Zemp
YOU ROCK RACHEL! by the way this is Natalie Evans from across the street growning up! I love what you wrote! You couldn't have said it any better! I was a single mom of 2 and your right it will only go uphill from here! I always had to tell myself... "He never said it would be easy... He only said it would be worth it" And that is the truth. Even though I have choose to learn many of my lessons the HARD way... every single one of them have been worth it. By the my blog is private so send me an email and I will invite you to my blog... jnbelnap@gmail.com
Rachel, what your going through seems all too familiar. I was once the child who was raised by a single mother. I look back at my life and wonder how she was able to do it. I truly believe the lord blessed her as she strove to keep the commandments and honor temple covenants. I used to have a lot of anger toward my mother and blamed her for pushing my father away. But I have since come to honor her as I have reflected upon all she sacrificed to raise me. Sometimes i wonder if my life isn't better because my parents divorced. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this blog, you have a very healthy perspective. Love, Cameron Hatch
My thoughts have been with you. I am happy to hear you are being strong even though Im sure you have times of pain and sorrow. I too believe it will be a cinderella story. You are a speciaql girl.
I am so inspired by you Rach- you are an amazing, strong woman! You have a great family, wonderful kids & what would we do without the Gospel? You have always been a happy, friend to everyone. I know now, you will have that support in return. I wish we lived closer. I think of you often, I will call you when we get down there again.
Take care, keep smiling your gorgeous smile :)
Luvs
Jodi
I understand what you mean about blogging having the ability to make you feel like crap. Everyone of course puts their best foot forward most of the time on their blog because it's a family journal, but when you're having a horrible day...you don't want to see perfectly smiling faces looking back at you!:) I've totally been there. Realize that NO ONES life (no matter how they portray it) is PERFECT 100% of the time.:)
Glad that you have your family there to comfort and support you. I'd love to see you when you are ready to hang with friends!
You don't know me, and I don't know you. A friend of mine stumbled upon your blog and said it reminded her of my situation. For 5 years, I've put on my happy face and hid the ugliness and sadness from my friends, my family, my ward, even my children. Only my bishop knew. As I sat and read your blog, I am amazed at your strength. It takes guts to show people that the fairy tale is not real. Thank you for that. I love that you tell us it's ok to be real. After almost 15 years, I and my 4 children are becoming a statistic as well. It was a very hard decision to end a temple marriage, guilt comes from so many directions when you make that decision. I remember telling my bishop, that the biggest problem with holding everything inside and hiding it all behind smiles and laughter, is that when it all falls apart, no one understands why. No one saw the pain for all the years. No one understands how hard we work just to keep everything together and looking as perfect as possible. Thank you for your strength, your example, your faith, your guts.
PS: Thanks for the attitude that put "So What" by P!nk on the page, I burst out laughing in the middle of the public library!
Dare to be Fiesty!!
Julie
It was so fun seeing you a couple weeks ago...you look amazingly beautiful and Brinley is adorable. I hope you're doing well. Know that we're thinking of you and love you! Jay says hi!
So glad things are looking up! You are an amazing mom to those cute kids! I was so glad to meet your parents, they are so awesome and what a support system!!
I pray that you will keep your amazing outlook and that things will continually get better and better!
You are amazing and so strong! I'm glad to hear that you are happy! It is kind of crazy how we post all the good funny things in life and ignore the bad!
I wanted to see how your little family was doing so I jumped on your page from Steph's. Your kids are beautiful and I especially loved this post. You are amazing - keep it up!
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